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I can count the number of times I thought I finally found the one. That I could stop searching and start building – only to realize months later that I was completely wrong. After my last “relationship” ended I finally came to my senses. I realized that I invested too much too soon. It’s as if the moment I became interested the tables turned. And the more I tried to get close to them, the more they pulled away from me.
I often found myself being intimate with men before we were in a committed relationship. And that was the beginning of the end. What I thought were mutual feelings was my own projection and manifestation of what I wanted the relationship to be – what I thought the relationship could be – rather than what it actually was. And while it was fun in the beginning, within a few months I found myself hurt, frustrated, and heartbroken. But more with myself than anyone else.
It took years for me to realize that the men in my life would treat me how I allowed them to. And if the relationship wasn’t up to my standards, I needed to love, honor, and respect myself enough to walk away – early.
Have you ever met someone who clearly has issues and yet is in a relationship or happily married? We’ve all met that person – insecure, simple, unintelligent, and unattractive. Within a few seconds of talking to this person, you feel better about yourself and your life because this person causes you to realize that you are not as fucked up as you thought you were.
You enjoy the moment of elation before your self-esteem comes crashing down, even lower than it was before as you think to yourself “she was able to find someone who loves her and wants to be with her and here I am still single...” You begin to replay your life in your mind and think about where you went wrong. You can’t help but feel like you are being punished for some sin you committed another lifetime because there’s no other way to explain why you have had such a hard time with relationships when everyone else around you is happy and in love. Sure you have issues but who doesn’t? You are a good person and feel that you deserve to be happy.
You take a break from dating then try again. You try dating friends of friends. You try dating apps. You even entertain the random guy you met at the bar that night you were out with your friends. It seems the harder you try the more disappointment you endure. Eventually, you accept that maybe you are just meant to be single for the rest of your life and die alone.
Relationships are an essential part of our lives. We feel a sense of joy, fulfillment, and connection when we have that special person to talk to, spend time with, and support us throughout life. When we don’t have that person, we can’t help but feel like something is missing despite the happiness and success we experience in other areas of life. It’s like a void waiting to be filled. And it seems that the more we desire a relationship the harder it is to find the right person.
When we do meet someone we feel a sense of connection to, we jump all in. We begin to invest time, energy, and money before we have even defined the other person’s intention. When we finally have the conversation months later it is too late. We are now in a situationship where the person we are dating has all the benefits and we have zero commitment. By this point, we have also developed feelings, which further complicates the relationship and makes it difficult to walk away.
What’s interesting about relationships is that we often find the right person when we are not looking. This has to do with the fact that we attract what we think and feel. Most people desire what they do not have. Unfortunately, this also creates an energy of need and lack. We think that if we try harder, we will get better results, except the harder we try the more we reinforce feelings of worry, doubt, and anxiety. We end up moving further away from what we desire rather than closer to it because those negative feelings become a block to our success.
The key to calling in, attracting, and manifesting what you want is to think, act, and feel as if you already have it. This is because we attract what we think and feel. With relationships, rather than searching for the right person as many of us have done, Law of Attraction teaches us to clearly and specifically define what we want in a partner, envision that relationship from our heart center, give thanks to our Higher Power for blessing us with this relationship, and then let go.
But this can be a difficult concept to conceptualize, much less practice. How do you let go of something you desperately want? How do you trick yourself into believing that you have something you clearly don’t? And how do you give thanks for something that hasn’t happened when quite honestly you don’t know if, when, and how it will happen?
Trust. We have to trust that the relationship we desire not only exists but it is already ours, so there is no need to worry, doubt, or try to control the process. We have to trust that this relationship will come into our lives at the perfect time and in the most perfect way. But until then, we are to do the work that is necessary for our own growth and healing.
Relationships can trigger us in many ways. And when we get into a relationship oftentimes our unaddressed issues and baggage come to the surface. We think couples counseling is the solution when we really just need to focus on ourselves and work through our own shit.
If you are still single, chances are that’s for a reason – whether that is because the person you are meant to be with isn’t ready, you still have work to do on yourself, or the timing isn’t right. The best thing you can do is create a life with more meaning, joy, and fulfillment in spite of not having the relationship you desire, as that creates space for this relationship to come into your life. If you feel like you are ready to invest in yourself and would like to learn how to manifest your perfect relationship, sign up for a one-on-one session. Click here for more details.
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Confessions of a Therapist